I Gained a Second Angel

Being pregnant again and hearing my baby's heartbeat was the most beautiful thing in my life. Not even 3 weeks later that was taken from me, my whole world is shattered. My baby stopped growing at 10w4days, just a week after I heard it's beautiful heartbeat at 9w4days. I held on to my baby until 13 weeks. My angel had no heartbeat at my July 1st appointment, so my doctor set up for me to have a d&c July 6th cause we thought my baby would be too big to pass on it's on. Well my baby had other plans, Friday, July 3rd my baby decided it didn't want to have surgery and it came on its own. 3 hours of contraction like pains and my baby became an angel. My new guardian angel. I love my baby, always have and I always will. My beautiful angel wasn't ready for this world, it will join his brother Ethan in heaven. We are getting genetic testing done to see if something went wrong, with that we will hopefully find out the gender. Knowing the gender will help put my heart at rest and we will be able to name our angel. I hope we will have our answers soon. I am so sad inside, I have a second hole in my heart for my baby. I love you my angels, keep watching over us!

Miss Conception Fertility Challenge and My Fertility

I don't understand why it is so hard for me to get pregnant. It seems like it so easy for some people, but why not me. I'm healthy and I do everything right, but I still don't get anything. I guess I now have to accept the fact that I have a fertility problem and I need to seek help...I just am not ready to ask for help...

I've already been to my gynecologist, and she told me everything visually was fine with me. She said I seem like a healthy person, my blood work came out fine, I don't eat bad, and I'm pretty active with exercising. I even had an ultrasound to check how my lady bits are, and those were fine too! She told me if I'm not pregnant in 6 months time, for me to come back for furthering testing to find out why I'm not able to conceive. Well that was October, so if I'm not pregnant by the end of April I'm going to have to make dreaded call. I really don't want it to come to that...so I'm praying for the best :) <3 

So I've been trying to participate in this two week fertility challenge to help me take my mind off of TTC and calm myself down. Well it is helping me to become more positive, even though I'm behind haha. For the first day it talked about "Letting go of jealousy." I've already been trying to work on that. The blog post gives me advice on how to divert my jealousy of others pregnant, and one of the tips was just writing a blog or writing it out. I've also bought a "Keep Calm," calendar that has daily inspiring quotes, I love it!!! Hopefully I can keep up posting because it really is therapeutic :)

April 1st: "You are my one and only..."

Small Bump by Ed Sheeran


This song is my ode to Ethan, my angel. This is the song that I put on repeat every time I think about my baby Ethan because it reassures me that he is somewhere he is needed, but at the same time it makes me cry my eyes out. Today marks the one year anniversary I found out the my sac was empty...that my baby had died at six weeks when I carried that empty sac until 12 weeks...

Today is going to be a hard day for me, but I think I might be able to pull through it. I'm sad, yes, but at the same time I cannot let that sadness overcome me. There will be another day when I will finally hold my own baby in my arms...

I don't know what to do right now, I thought writing out my feelings would help and it has...

When will it be my turn again?



"...Maybe you were needed up there and we're still unaware as why" - Ed Sheeran

Well I haven't posted anything in a while and it is just because my world has been crumbling around me. I just don't know anymore. I'm tired, lost, and confused and I don't really have anyone to turn to that might understand. I wish I could just make all my problems disappear but life is not that simple :( Right now I'm on a TTC break. We were just going to take the time to reconnect ourselves (DH & I), but now I don't know what's going on with US in general...so many mixed messages and things left unsaid...I think I need me time because it is just becoming too much work to try to understand everything...

Preseed...one word, WOW!

Well I tried preseed for the first time, and let me tell you it made a BIG difference on how it felt...in a good way! I mean BDing is good but this was like AMAZING! I was so surprised at how it felt and so did the hubby. Now I know that I was missing something without this lubricant and I won't be BDing without this stuff again!

We are now in the long TWW again, and I can't wait to get to the end already. I'm not going into too positive but I'm not going into negative either. We did what we could and that's all that matters. I didn't stress over the opk's and temping this month which made me feel much better. All I did was drink my teas', take my mucinex, and enjoy sex, so that's all that matters. If I fall pregnant this month that would be great, but if I don't there is always next month. I'm trying to relax this month and it has been working great!

Oh the other week, the hubby and I had to go to NC (with AF visiting) for business reasons. Well we made the most of it and went golfing (my first time) and we went to a last minute Taylor Swift concert (who I love) and it was WONDERFUL! It was the most fun we had in a while, got to enjoy each other company, and got privacy. Here is one of the pics from the concert below (I'll have more when I get them off of hubby's phone):

On a side note, I went to a Starbucks on the way back and they were not listening to me when I spelled my name, so this is how it came out:

Nice right! lol

But anyways cheers to the TWW and luck and babydust to every future momma!!!

on to the next one

SOOOOO AF has showed her face today CD 30/14dpo/now CD1. I'm ready for the next cycle now, I'm going into this cycle with a positive attitude. I think it will happen this cycle, this is my month! I've been too focused on everything and ttc that I hadn't realized before I had the miscarriage I got pregnant without all this charting and opks. Its really makes it more stressful to focus on my husband & I and our dream of a baby.
So next month I'm only using the few opks I have left (which is not many) and no temping after ovulation is detected. I'm also going drinking green tea, rooibos tea, and I'm going to also being trying preseed this month. I have been hearing good things about preseed sooo maybe it will work for us ;D

 

 Well next month is going to be my due date for my baby Ethan...I'm not really looking forward to it. October 21, 2013...I don't know how I'm going to handle it...

Here's to another TWW...

SO here we are in the TWW again...sigh...already ready for it to be over. I'm currently on 7dpo, after ovulating on CD 16. I usually ovulate on CD 10-14, so this was really weird for me. I'm not counting on this cycle working, but still crossing my fingers that it is still my cycle.

If this month turns out to fail, then next month I'm not going to be doing OPK because I think it makes me stress out much more. I'm going to continue charting my temperature, taking mucinex, and drinking raspberry leaf tea. This cycle I'm not symptom spotting cause I go crazy trying to see if other people had the symptom before their BFP. I haven't had any noticeable symptoms to record anyway, so that helps too. ;D

Something new I started this month was checking my cervix, let me tell you it is not easy! It is really cool though cause got to feel how it was exactly when I was ovulating; it might be hard but it was so worth it. I'm going to be doing this next cycle, instead of using an OPK to find out when I'm close to ovulation.

7 days left in the TWW, 7 days to test!!!!
Crossing my fingers and praying for my rainbow someday!
Babydust & Luck to the rest of you lovely ladies :-*

Update; sorry for the MIA status

Yeah I know I haven't  been on in a while, just too many crazy dramas going on in my life! For right now things are quiet. I've been arguing with my dad a lot, and I hate conflict so we know who is starting is...dad...So right now we are staying at my mother-in-laws house that is far away from my job and my fur babies but I'll make it work. In the process of having our own place again here in NY after being in NC for a year. I'm soooo excited and can't wait to have privacy again :D.


I have been thinking a lot lately (and have been wanting to post this for days :-/) that why can't life BE like a life game! You go around the board, make tons of money, have a career & a family, and retire with tons of money. If life were that simple then I'd have a family in a heartbeat! There are no miscarriages, infertility, or to worry about money; I just wish life could be a simple as that, then we'd all have our rainbow ;-*

So I obviously didn't get my bfp last month, so we are trying it again. My new cycle started on August 12, and right now I'm on CD 15 waiting to ovulate tomorrow; last month I ovulated early (CD10), this month I JUST got a positive opk today CD 15. SO I'm doing the deed tonight, tomorrow night and the next night :D. I hope this is my month, but at the same time I'm not holding my breath :-/ Let the TWW begin again!!!

Received this lovely package from one of my TTC sister, definitely made my day and made me very happy! I loved the notebook and the quote on it, "Live in Hope." I've been doing that and it helps me try to think more positive. But I do slip up often...

 

Well I'll try and post something again soon, instead of being MIA.

Luck and baby dust to all you lovely ladies!!!!

Why am I sooo tired?!

SO I did a lot of minor editing to the blog because I found things not to my liking from my post in the mobile app. From now on I'll just be doing drafts on my mobile and then edit it on the computer, my posts will come out soo much better ;)

I've been uber tired and cranky lately and I don't know why, like I'm under the weather. I've also have been eating a lot more then I usually to cause I felt like I had a huge pit in my stomach :-/ I hope it's what leads to my BFP!!!! But I don't want to get my hopes up either :-(

Every so often I just don't feel like eating and just get nibble food instead of a full meal, as you will see below. This is a day I just wake up tired and don't feel like eating...

My chart is looking hopeful so far...I guess we will see in 5 days time :-/

Thinking ♥

Today I was hanging out with my BFF and it was the first time I really opened up to her a out my miscarriage in April. It's just been really hard with ttc to conceive and dealing with the loss that everyone keeps asking about...it's really hard :( she is very understanding and supportive of my journey. Who could ask for a better friend :)

So right now I'm in the 2ww and I'm already impatient :-O 2 dpo now. I want the two weeks to up already. I'll get through this week because I'll have a lot of distractions, but next week I'm not so sure :-/ pray for me that this is my month for a bfp!  

Oh and this was in lost and found today army job, how do you lose something like this lol >o< spot me in the mirror :k