I Gained a Second Angel

Being pregnant again and hearing my baby's heartbeat was the most beautiful thing in my life. Not even 3 weeks later that was taken from me, my whole world is shattered. My baby stopped growing at 10w4days, just a week after I heard it's beautiful heartbeat at 9w4days. I held on to my baby until 13 weeks. My angel had no heartbeat at my July 1st appointment, so my doctor set up for me to have a d&c July 6th cause we thought my baby would be too big to pass on it's on. Well my baby had other plans, Friday, July 3rd my baby decided it didn't want to have surgery and it came on its own. 3 hours of contraction like pains and my baby became an angel. My new guardian angel. I love my baby, always have and I always will. My beautiful angel wasn't ready for this world, it will join his brother Ethan in heaven. We are getting genetic testing done to see if something went wrong, with that we will hopefully find out the gender. Knowing the gender will help put my heart at rest and we will be able to name our angel. I hope we will have our answers soon. I am so sad inside, I have a second hole in my heart for my baby. I love you my angels, keep watching over us!

April 1st: "You are my one and only..."

Small Bump by Ed Sheeran


This song is my ode to Ethan, my angel. This is the song that I put on repeat every time I think about my baby Ethan because it reassures me that he is somewhere he is needed, but at the same time it makes me cry my eyes out. Today marks the one year anniversary I found out the my sac was empty...that my baby had died at six weeks when I carried that empty sac until 12 weeks...

Today is going to be a hard day for me, but I think I might be able to pull through it. I'm sad, yes, but at the same time I cannot let that sadness overcome me. There will be another day when I will finally hold my own baby in my arms...

I don't know what to do right now, I thought writing out my feelings would help and it has...

When will it be my turn again?



"...Maybe you were needed up there and we're still unaware as why" - Ed Sheeran

Update; sorry for the MIA status

Yeah I know I haven't  been on in a while, just too many crazy dramas going on in my life! For right now things are quiet. I've been arguing with my dad a lot, and I hate conflict so we know who is starting is...dad...So right now we are staying at my mother-in-laws house that is far away from my job and my fur babies but I'll make it work. In the process of having our own place again here in NY after being in NC for a year. I'm soooo excited and can't wait to have privacy again :D.


I have been thinking a lot lately (and have been wanting to post this for days :-/) that why can't life BE like a life game! You go around the board, make tons of money, have a career & a family, and retire with tons of money. If life were that simple then I'd have a family in a heartbeat! There are no miscarriages, infertility, or to worry about money; I just wish life could be a simple as that, then we'd all have our rainbow ;-*

So I obviously didn't get my bfp last month, so we are trying it again. My new cycle started on August 12, and right now I'm on CD 15 waiting to ovulate tomorrow; last month I ovulated early (CD10), this month I JUST got a positive opk today CD 15. SO I'm doing the deed tonight, tomorrow night and the next night :D. I hope this is my month, but at the same time I'm not holding my breath :-/ Let the TWW begin again!!!

Received this lovely package from one of my TTC sister, definitely made my day and made me very happy! I loved the notebook and the quote on it, "Live in Hope." I've been doing that and it helps me try to think more positive. But I do slip up often...

 

Well I'll try and post something again soon, instead of being MIA.

Luck and baby dust to all you lovely ladies!!!!

Thinking ♥

Today I was hanging out with my BFF and it was the first time I really opened up to her a out my miscarriage in April. It's just been really hard with ttc to conceive and dealing with the loss that everyone keeps asking about...it's really hard :( she is very understanding and supportive of my journey. Who could ask for a better friend :)

So right now I'm in the 2ww and I'm already impatient :-O 2 dpo now. I want the two weeks to up already. I'll get through this week because I'll have a lot of distractions, but next week I'm not so sure :-/ pray for me that this is my month for a bfp!  

Oh and this was in lost and found today army job, how do you lose something like this lol >o< spot me in the mirror :k

Life & Starbucks

So right now I'm trying to conceive and it's just not going as easy as I thought since the miscarriage I had :(. It's so hard and tiring, but I've just been trying not to think about it too much and go with the flow. I'm back in New York now (after living in North Carolina for a year), and my parents told my whole town here in NY that I was pregnant before so now I have everyone come and ask me how's the baby. I hate having to tell everyone that I lost it, I'm trying to get past it but it's hard with everyone bringing it up over and over again. It just makes me sad all over again >_<;. Just trying to get through everyday one step at a time with the help of my BFF & Starbucks :-*. (And maybe some DD lol)